Farewell, Mama

When I wrote Papa a farewell letter a year after his death, I knew that sometime in the future I will be writing one for you, too. It was in my mind, in the VERY VERY FAR FUTURE.

However, here we are a year and a half later. Trying to pen this post without actually shedding a tear.

It was too soon. 

I had hoped for years and years of spoiling you after your retirement. Asking for advice on what to do with my 'teenage' daughter once she reaches that stage. Giving you more 'apos' to spoil as there is only 1 so far. Attending my next graduation. Helping you send a lawyer to school and SO, SO MANY other PLANS.

 But sadly, that is not meant to be.

The PLANS will continue, but YOU will no longer be there to cheer for us. And that is something that we will MISS. 

Papa undoubtedly was the person we go to when we had academic problems, coz he was the one that could fix them. Until Math was too advance and he has no memories of it. But by that time, we are already in command of our lives, of ourselves. We no longer need Papa for academics, but for life-changing decisions, he was still the parent to call.

But MAMA is the person that we always look forward to talking with the most. With you, no experience was too weird. No happenings was to be censored, and no tale was too long for the telling. From high school crushes to college flirtations, to young working adult escapades. I have always shared the good, the bad and the ugly with you. Even if you laugh at me or with me, I always feel the happiness of being able to burden someone with these stories that made my life memorable or simply life.

Mama is the strong, silent support all through those years of hardships. She made it work without any complaints. At least not to her children. She always said "Samok man kaayo u brayt tanan imung anak, kay saba kaayo oi". Especially, if the 3 of us are in a 3-way debate and will not agree to disagree. But even through the reprimand, we feel the pride.

People always say, "Ayaw na kay anak na ni Martinez". Thinking that Papa is the disciplinarian, and are afraid of him. Sadly no! Words were Papa's weapon of choice and we have learned to give counter-arguments as we grew older. But Mama's brand of discipline includes whatever object is at hand. So we had tsinelas, silhig, silhig tingting, uway, binis-ak na kahoy, and belt are just few of the items that had the privilege to graze our butts. But the warning that stayed with me, even though it was not actually directed at me since she was talking to a neighbor was: "Uli-uli lang nga magdala ug apo nga wala pa kahuman kay dili jud kasulod sa gate". I took the warning to heart and never did try to do anything whilst in school.

The last time I was spanked by Mama was in elementary, and after that, she never really did call me aside for any misdemeanors. Part of the reason was, I was not at home most of the time really. I flew off the nest at age of 12 and never looked back, except for the visits during weekends, then during summer, and recently during Christmas. If not for Social Media the last few, our greatest regret would have been not being able to talk to Mama before everything.

The most heartwarming memory I have of Mama was when I was home on Christmas vacation and did not acclimate with the Bukidnon weather well. I was shivering from the cold. Literally shaking from head to toe. So she slept beside all through that night to keep me warm.

And so I  know that despite not really telling us words of love, Mama did love us.

After all, no one would wake up at dawn to cook you breakfast for a field trip. Or do your cross-stitch for you since you need it to take the exam. Or let you do all your homework without any housework since time is limited and all that.

I am sorry that I was not able to serve you in your last days, as this COVID problem is still in the way. I hope that even if it was not a pleasant passing as Papa's, you did not suffer long. 

It was not unexpected, coz we had a prior scare. But it is still a bitter pill to swallow. Especially that I felt that I had failed you in so, so many ways.

The only thing I could do now is to keep my promise and send your future lawyer to school.

And looking back to our last Christmas vacation, you did say. "Wala na man nay ulian diri c PJ".

You were not just talking about Papa, right? Or at least it feels that way now.

Anyhow, you always seemed to know these things. After all, you did tell me "Dili na di magdugay imung Papa" a week before he died.

And you also said "Nganong ma-stress? Dili lang gud ma-stress." the last time we spoke, 3 days before you left as forever.

And as everyone celebrates Mothers' Day, I hope that the cakes and ice creams we sent your way before were enough to show you that we appreciate the fact that you are our MOTHER.

And also happy that you are now together again :D

Daghang salamat sa pagbasa!!! :D

Dear Mr. Martinez

Today we applaud the memory of a man who loved me more than any man could.
Today we honour the man who raised such independent children that it felt like I moved on, the moment I heard that you have slept the eternal sleep.
But I think, my siblings could not really blame me. After all, for the last decade, you have constantly reminded me of what may or may not happen to you and the responsibilities that will fall on my shoulders the moment it will. I have taken the role now, and I hope that I am not failing your expectations.

But today is for your memory, and my role in that is as a daughter who remembers her father as someone to look up to.

My father is a person who had held responsibilities in many private and public institutions. The last of which is as president of the senior citizens association. That one he held with pride because even in his old age it felt good bringing a very disorganized group into something that the whole city organizations models in their own associations now.

My father has faced a lot of battles, in court and outside of it. I hope that it will come to an end soon as it has deprived my father of the privileges that he should have enjoyed after all the hard work that he has done in his employed life. It almost also deprived us of our education if not of luck and sheer perseverance.

My father is a very proud man, who felt that he has wronged his children by not being able to provide them with a good life. But I do not feel that I am unlucky that I cannot afford what others can because I know that I can live without them. This has been one of his regrets, though time and time again we have assured him that it was fine.

My father has raised us to follow our own morals, to own up our mistakes, and to choose our battles well. He has always reminded us that character is better than intelligence. But at the same time, preach that without intelligence you cannot get anywhere.
He always says that we can follow whatever path we want in life as long as we do not regret it. But after that, give suggestions on what are the best options to choose from. In time, I have learned to nudge him into my own direction. And that is an accomplishment in itself.

My father is very strict, but he has always allowed me to do things outside of the house as long as I inform mama about it. I am proud to say that amongst my siblings, I never experienced the 'paha' only the tongue-lashing. Though that is harsher,at least you can argue your way out.
The only quarrel with papa that I cannot really forget is the one from college when I finally confronted him on the reasons why 'technically I am a bastard child'. That was a sad argument that left me in tears for hours and I think hurt papa more than it did me. The parents' mistakes should never be blamed on the children, he quipped. But I cannot understand that, and society is not really a forgiving enemy. But I have made peace and he knows that I no longer blame him for it.

My father tried to raise independent children that I was sent out of the house when I was eleven. My brother when he was fourteen, and PJ when she was sixteen. But whenever I had problems, it was always a comfort to know that you and mama are just a phone call away. Thank you for the technology.
This year, I missed hearing your voice over the phone even if it was just you scolding me that you cannot hear whatever is being said.

But I do not have regrets, I know that you are at peace. You had live a good life. You outlived some of your siblings even if you are the eldest of them all. You had held your apos and great-apos. you had doled out advice to lots of people both asked and un-asked for.

This is for you. And I will always remember you.

Daghang salamat sa pagbasa!!!